When I was a kid I never missed anybody

Way do we welcome people in to our lives that cause our heart pain. Is it because having some kind of relationship is better then not having one at all?

When I was a kid I never missed anybody. I never missed my mother. I never missed my foster parents. I never missed my brothers. I guess I was to busy to slow down and think about what is effecting me right now. As I’m getting older find myself thinking about them all the time. Does this mean that I miss them or am I just reminiscing on the past, holding onto what was?

Over the years I have grown apart from most of the people in my life. I was always good at making friends just not keeping them. Im not blaming this on constantly moving although I did move a lot as a kid. Honestly the reason I never held on to fiends is because I was never sure if they really where my friend. I kept running into situations where I felt people only befriended me because they felt bad for my circumstances. Every new home I would move to, my foster parents already explained to there neighbors and friends that I was a foster child. I have even bin families where the foster parents picked out my friend before I even got there.

The fact that I’m really bad at keeping in touch makes it ironic that I find myself being the one tries to call biweekly to see how the other side is doing. Most of the time I find myself leaving messages. Sometimes I wait a few weeks until they call me back, other times they never call back at all. My husband says I should just let go, its not worth missing them if they don’t think about me. Maybe its my pride, but I refuse to believe that they don’t miss me. I know we have grown apart, but how could they not think about me, how could they not love me?